A family of raccoons raided the coop in the middle of the night.
Eenie and Moe didn't make it.
So this is a simulator built to answer the question that comes after it: how many chickens would it have taken?
Roosters
0
0.0s
Standby
Raccoons
0
Army remainingReady to deploy
Current Champion
—
0 kills
for Eenie & Moe
Call it
Locks when the battle starts
Enjoyed the carnage?
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How this works
You don't just watch it. You run the farm while it happens.
War chest
Points build the whole fight. Spend them on the chips along the bottom to
call animals in mid-battle — guinea fowl are cheap noise, a bull costs
most of what you'll ever hold. You get four or five packets a match, so
what you skip matters as much as what you buy.
1 Horn
Everything on your side swings 35% faster and hits 15% harder for six
seconds. Tempo. Use it when the lines are already locked and you want to
win the exchange.
2 Feed
Drops a pile mid-field. Birds break off and converge on it, and your
whole side stops routing for seven seconds. It's a rally and a regroup at
once — the answer to a collapse.
3 Light
Predators do 45% less damage and swing 35% slower for five seconds —
but only in the dark. In daylight it manages about a third of that, because
that is what switching on a floodlight at noon is worth. The night coop is
where it earns its cooldown.
Call it
Pick a side on the matchup card. It locks when the countdown hits zero
and the verdict tells you whether you were right. Most people are confident
and wrong.
Camera
Drag to look around, pinch or scroll to zoom. Auto Cam hands it back to
the director, which follows the front of the flock and then the clash.
Copy link
Every fight has a seed. The link on the verdict card replays that exact
battle for anyone who opens it — same spawns, same result. That's how you
make someone argue with you about it.
R B H
Reel crops to 9:16 for video. Blood is off by default and toggles on.
H hides the interface for a clean recording. Space starts or pauses a fight.
Tactical gives you a steady overhead view. Choose a playback speed next to Pause.
Eenie and Moe
We kept eight hens in the yard behind the house. My son named two of them Eenie and Moe — he was three when they arrived, and those were the two he could tell apart.
They were his. He'd carry them around the yard with their legs dangling, narrating their opinions in a voice he invented for them. Eenie was the bold one. Moe followed her everywhere and complained about it the whole way.
A family of raccoons got into the coop in the middle of the night. By the time I got out there with a flashlight it was already over.
Eenie and Moe didn't make it.
He took it harder than I was ready for. It was his first real loss, and there was no version of that morning I could fix for him — no explanation that made it land any softer. He just kept asking me the same thing, over and over, the way kids do when they're trying to find a door out of it:
“How many chickens would it have taken?”
I didn't know. Nobody knows. It isn't the kind of question that has an answer sitting around waiting for you.
But I'm a nerdy dad who writes code at the kitchen table, and it turns out that when your kid asks you an impossible question, you can either say “I don't know” or you can spend a few weeks building the machine that finds out. So that's what this is.
Every bird in here fights like a real bird. The hens are brave and outmatched. The roosters have spurs and know how to use them. The raccoons are quick and clever and they do not lose to small numbers. Nothing is rigged in the flock's favour, because a rigged answer wouldn't have meant anything to him.
Somewhere in those numbers is the flock that would have been enough. He found it on a Sunday afternoon, sitting on my lap, and he laughed for the first time in about a week.
The rest of the hens are fine, by the way. The coop has a proper latch now, and a light on a sensor. We're getting two more in the spring. He's already picked the names.
— for Eenie and Moe
•••
View & audio
0war chest
Chickens vs Raccoons v1.0
Also in the treeline 0
You call the farm in during the fight — the war chest fills
while the birds hold the line.
1,000 roosters · 100 raccoons